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Post by MsElliott on Mar 2, 2015 2:54:56 GMT
I have just finished having a swim in the beach with a few of the other boys my age. I think I should see if Ralph needs any help with the huts. I can hear Jack and Ralph talking, maybe I should keep my distance before heading over. I hide behind a tree and listen in on there conversation. I thin they are arguing about how Jack is hunting to much and not building the huts. Jack has come back without a kill again, of course. I don't know why he wastes his time. Ralph is now saying how the littleuns haven't been helping build the huts, and it's only been him and Simon. I feel so guilty, I didn't know they needed help so badly. Ralph seems so strong so I thought he'd be more than capable. Why doesn't he just say he is struggling? I know if he did it would make me and a few of the other littleuns gladly help. Jack almost seems as though he doesn't want the fire to be going, and he doesn't want to be rescued. All he wants to do is get a pig and hunt. He so badly wants a kill, that's what makes me scared of him. Even if he does get a pig, not everyone will get some. I bet he'll only share it with the older boys. I really, really want shelters now. Each night I'm getting more scared of the beasties. I would definitely choose shelters, that will last a while, over some small portion of meat that will barely satisfy my hunger. Now Jack is saying that he feels as though he is being followed when hunting. I get the same uneasy feeling whenever I'm in the forest also. Now knowing that even the older boys can get scared it is going to make things worse, I better not tell this to the other littleuns. I just want to go home. A few proofreading errors: eg. "their conversation", "I think they are", "hunting too much". You raise a good point about why Ralph doesn't give the littluns more responsibility. Other than that, I think your creative writing language is a little bit plain and I'd like you to experiment with greater descriptive/poetic language and convey deeper reflections/meaning. Of course a littlun might not think deeply himself, but his surroundings, observations, setting, might convey something deeper like the scar on the island. |
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Post by MsElliott on Mar 2, 2015 3:00:04 GMT
What's going on? Another argument? How is life supposed to run smoothly with these boys leading us? The past few days? Weeks? Have been tough to get by, especially with no ideas of rescue. Being one of the older boys, it hurts to see the younger ones shift and shout about when "the beastie" is mentioned. Although during the day they are so full of life and seem to not have a care in the world, they must surely also miss their family? I've missed mine since the airport. I hope they miss me. My situation right now is in the jungle, just a few minutes from the shores edge. I've just been swimming in the morning and afternoons for the majority of the days here. My skin is not quite surviving under the glaring sun at midday, so I stay under the protective leaves then. When it's during the night though, barely anyone would risk being in the jungle with the snake like vines and thick bushes. Who could be certain the island has no nocturnal creatures. Maybe Piggy, he is very knowledgable, although he won't do much else. Jack seems to know how to catch pigs, but never can. If only there were more animals on the Island. Then there's the problem with our shelters. Ralph complains about people not helping, which is true, but it's uncomfortable to help when he's the chief. Just the same with the hunters, they are too intimidating. I think I'll help by collecting fruit for the littleuns. It's comforting when picking fruit, because it reminds me of home and how we gathered fruit in the baskets. Of course there are no baskets here, except bowls from the coconut shells. This Island is so similar to a holiday destination, it's ironic we're stranded and suffering here. Chief is certain there's hope of rescue, so I'll believe him until any later discoveries. But for now, I want to stay alive and healthy for the long days ahead... Minor proofreading errors: eg. "shore's edge", a question mark after the "Who could be certain" question, no capital i needed for "island", "knowledgeable". You make some very good references to 'back home' and you also do well capturing the threatening nature of the setting as well as the irony of it appearing like a holiday paradise. These small details like the picking of the fruit is what gives your piece a good sense of authenticity. |
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Post by MsElliott on Mar 2, 2015 3:03:36 GMT
I was walked through the palm trees watching out for coconuts dropping but while walking back to the beach, I overhear Ralph, Jack and Simon talking. I decided to listen in on their conversation from some bushes near by to see if I could get any information and what was going on. It was hard to hear them but I could catch most of what they were saying. They seemd to be arguing about what they should be doing on the island and what was more important. Ralph was saying that they should be making shelters for protection and comfort at night and incase it rained like when we first arrived. Jack, however, thought they should be hunting for meat. I could see the wicked spark in his eye as he was talking about killing a pig. It sent a shiver down my spine. He talked so passionately about killing the pig too but Ralph said "And we don't get it". This seemd to light a fire in Jack and said "But I shall! Next time!" I sat there a bit longer listening. They talked about a lot of things like the 'beastie' , hunting, shelters and being rescued. They seemd to reach an agreement on what they wanted to do but I could see this wasn't going to last very long and left to bathe and something to eat. I left to protection of my hiding spot, hoping no one saw me and continued on my way to the beach. Some proofreading errors: "I was walking", your tense is inconsistent, the opening has a mixture of past, present, and future tenses, "seemed", "in case", "and he said", "I left the". Other than that, your piece seems to be more of a recount of the argument rather than creating a character who has ideas and experiences of their own. You need to develop your character further so that it is creative as opposed to a summary. |
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Post by MsElliott on Mar 2, 2015 3:13:57 GMT
I sit there listening to Jack, Ralph's and Simon's words, I don't know what to say, what if they see me sitting here near them and they spot me, what will I say? I hear them arguing over that jack only hunts and that is all that he wants to do and he never comes back with anything and that Ralph is building huts with Simon and they are working all day and getting almost nothing done as they are flimsy. I feel bad because I am not doing anything to help, I am on of the many who play in the water and lay back during the day. Do I start helping them? Do I join in now and ask or will it sound like I feel bad because I was listening to their conversation and I only want to join in and help because I hear how Ralph is struggling with the huts. Why doesn't Jack just stop hunting for the pigs for a day and help Ralph? Or is the hunting of a pig a obsession for Jack now? Does he need the feeling of killing the pig to be able to move on to a different task. Or maybe he will feel like a failure when he doesn't kill the pig and everyone around him will believe he is a failure as well and he should of just listened to Ralph. They start talking about how they need protection from the 'beastie' and the only way they will get protection is if they build shelters and Ralph needs Jacks help. I am scared of the beastie and building a shelter is a good idea as to Ralph had just stated that it will protect us, it will also be a relief as the litteuns scream and shout in the middle of the night as they are scared the beastie will attack, all that I want to do is go home. So what do I do? Do I keep it to myself and volunteer to help later. Or do I come out now and volunteer now and make it look like I have been listening and it makes be look like I am just giving myself in and I look bad.... Proofreading errors: eg. "Jack only hunts", "one of the many", "struggling with the huts?", "on to a different task?", "should have just listened to Ralph?" (If you start a sentence as a question you must finish with a question mark, also, never say 'should of' it should always be 'should have'), "Jack's help", "as Ralph had just stated", "volunteer to help later?" Your character is definitely experiencing a crisis of conscience, however your writing could be enhanced my developing their thoughts beyond the obvious. Maybe you could capture something symbolic in their actions, appearance, or setting? |
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Post by MsElliott on Mar 2, 2015 3:17:35 GMT
In the bushes I hear a rustle, jack and Ralph come into view. I knew Jack and Ralph were having difficulties leading the boys but this conversation sounded intense. Even for a seven year old boy I can tell that something wrong is happening, though the two boys don't know it, fear is growing in our hearts. Fear we try to ignore as we take reassurance from Jack and Ralph. What an unfortunate trip I had into the jungle, looking for fruit, but hearing this heated discussion. The hardest thing is that they are both wrong, they both want power. They should be more like Piggy. They should listen to him and all his wise words about topics. While the boys discussed, i crouched, frozen in time behind a fallen branch. I welcomed the few moments of silence as the two boy's reminisced their first day on the island. This time gave me a moment to run over the events in my head. They had been quiet for only a few moments when I was shocked not only physicaly but emotionally to hear such a serios allogation made. " all you ever thing about is pig pig pig". I Felt for Jack as I knew his face would be slowly warming in color. I could feel the red growing across his face. As their voices slowly trailed off, I thought it be time to leave. To never mention this talk I overheard to a soul. Proofreading errors: "Jack and Ralph", "I crouched", "two boys", "physically", "serious allegation", "All you ever think about", "I felt". You have done a terrific job of achieving deeper reflection and your vocabulary is reaching a good level (watch the spelling though!) You also have a nice balance of description. This piece, despite the proofreading errors, flows really well. |
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Post by MsElliott on Mar 2, 2015 3:21:32 GMT
I was walking through the forest when I heard loud voices coming from towards the shelters. As I got closer to the voices, I realised that it was Jack and Ralph who were having the heated discussion. I stood behind a large tree and watched the boys argue. Ralph was saying that he wasn't happy about having the workload dumped on him, especially when nobody appreciates his efforts. Jack's rebuttal was that he was hunting for pigs to get meat for the group. I heard about Jack's first attempt to catch a pig when a small group of boys were talking about it. Most of the boys think he is determined to kill a pig to prove himself to everybody and make up for his previous mistake. I think he cares more about himself rather than the whole group. It's quite good to be a boy who is in the middle of the pack when it comes to age. I don't get noticed much and can keep to myself and out of the arguments or tough decisions. The "littluns" go off and play together without a care in the world and the drama of the "biguns" is too much to handle, so I just hold my own and help out when I need to. I had no idea Ralph cared so much about the shelters, seeing as though nobody else cares. Most of the boys listen to Jack more than they listen to Ralph and it seems as though Ralph's authority is slipping away from him. I guess we will all see whether the community falls apart or survives life on this island until we are rescued, I hope. Hi Lily, congrats on not having any major proofreading issues! Your piece flows well and has some deeper reflection and character development, but I'd like to see you bring your writing to life with imagery, description, and more powerful language. I know your character is quite detached in personality but the whole piece feels a little detached. |
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Post by zoebia on Mar 2, 2015 8:47:10 GMT
You are a boy from the plane crash, who happens to be near where Jack, Ralph, and Simon are talking to each other on the island, and you overhear everything that they say. Write a short, creative excerpt that details all the thoughts that are going through your mind. Really picture yourself there, don't just give us a summary of what's happening, think about who you are and how this is affecting you. Whose side are you on? How do you feel about your current situation? Consider intertwining your character's own experiences and observations on the island so far (made up of course). I got up from the bushes and sat down for a few minutes. After over hearing Jack and Ralphs argument my respect for Jack decreased. Ralph was right to tell Jack how he felt, an that it is unfair that he builds shelters by himself while Jack is off hunting, something which he enjoys. He hadn't even caught anything yet! I wanted to say something to Jack myself, get into his head that he cant just do anything he likes. He isn't the chief, Ralph was, and I felt sympathy towards the lack of respect he was given. I felt bad about going off with the other boys and playing instead of helping Ralph and Simon. I began regretting walking off when they started talking about the beastie. I didnt want to be afraid like the other boys who have been screaming in there sleep... |
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Post by remimckenzie on Mar 4, 2015 12:40:58 GMT
You are a boy from the plane crash, who happens to be near where Jack, Ralph, and Simon are talking to each other on the island, and you overhear everything that they say. Write a short, creative excerpt that details all the thoughts that are going through your mind. Really picture yourself there, don't just give us a summary of what's happening, think about who you are and how this is affecting you. Whose side are you on? How do you feel about your current situation? Consider intertwining your character's own experiences and observations on the island so far (made up of course). I stop in my tracks to listen to the feared discussion that was occurring between Ralph and Jack. As I listen, I can hear the subtle aggravation in Ralph's voice as he talks about building shelters. 'And they keep running off. You remember the meeting? How everyone as going to work hard until the shelters were finished?' I heard Ralph express to Jack. A sudden feeling of guilt rushes over me. A realisation that I have done nothing to help with the building of the shelters makes me feel sick with shame. As I continue to think about it, I had come to the decision that is was not my fault. Ralph had promised us that it wouldn’t be long before we were rescued, so why ware we still on this island trying to build shelters? Is he planning to stay here for longer? Is Jack even hunting for pigs, or is he just resting? My blood begins to become very warm, feeling colour rush into my now bright red face. I storm off into the distance; I’m not going to let him blame me. |
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